“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
so weird how every mom was born today
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich