Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
こいつ天才
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night