@HeyoShellz: Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here
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@juliussharpe: People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
@rachelle_mandik: New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw? Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
@jeffswarens: Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
@GuyEndoreKaiser: Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they're in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?