@HeyoShellz: Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
@ThisOneSayz: Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
@Uniquicorn: *Joe Biden nibbles Obama's ear* - Please stop it *Joe whispers* Say it - No go away *angrily whispers* Say it! - ...please stop Biden my ear
@XplodingUnicorn: My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister. I grounded them both because I'm not raising any communists.