Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.