@HeyoShellz: Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here
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@HabeasDorkis: I don't wear sunglasses because it's unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it's an inch from my eye I'm all "um, no."
@iresurfaced: Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don't be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don't show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
@3sunzzz: A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it's fun to push things down the stairs.
@shawnspree: In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.