Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.