“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Snapes on a plane.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.