“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb