@shkeeber: Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could've just gone outside and saved yourself $50.
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@hippieswordfish: ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter
@TragicAllyHere: Hmm... kkkk (too many) kkk (too racist) kk (looks like a typo) k (that'll work) Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting "k"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
@PetrickSara: Husband:What do you want for Mother's Day? Me:I don't want to have to tell you what I want Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)