Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.