Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
You Might Also Like
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.