Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I hope this email finds you in a well
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Happy Thanksgiving
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums