My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
love it when they get my name right
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know