Dudes named Chance never had one.
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.