My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Breaking news:
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool