Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
and now we wait
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
huge if true: the moon
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one