@SirEviscerate: Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
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@huntigula: I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
@littlekitnerboy: If there's one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
@TheBeerGuy73: *smokes fat doobie* *enters hotdog eating contest* *sets Guinness World Record* *gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*