Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
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I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
men are simple creatures
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”