@PortRooster: Due to a tragic "iTunes on shuffle" incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met...
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@shutupmikeginn: if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
@amydillon: Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. "What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child.
@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@Adam14: When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".