@PortRooster: Due to a tragic "iTunes on shuffle" incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met...
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@Samzen_: All girls love surprises. I didn't know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can't understand women.
@AlisonChrista: *dies and gets to hell* I really thought I’d lived a good life. *Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away* Oh yeah. Fair enough.
@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache? FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised