@PortRooster: Due to a tragic "iTunes on shuffle" incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met...
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@Kali_Mura: Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
@inanimatecorpse: Blind date. Oh, this is awkward Chewbacca: What i meant... Chewbacca: When I said i was looking for a big dog person was.. Chewbacca:
@InternetHippo: If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won't help, but now you're 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
@KayRants: Ignoring your text is easy. It's having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I'm not home when you drive by that's awkward.