Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
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“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Weighing up my bread heating options
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah