Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
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I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️