dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
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When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”