Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
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Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.