“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.