@Ms_Shazam: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." - Me to my children.
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@slimmy_shady: Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
@UncleDuke1969: [doorbell] "Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?" "No." "Why not?" "He died like 2000 years ago." "So?" "I'm 46. Do the math."