@_Tempo11: Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I'm a big perv.
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@KelgoreTrout: i named my first son "christian" and i named his twin brother "born-again christian"
@KyleMcDowell86: *dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache* "Hello sir or ma'am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat"
@TheTweetOfGod: Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
@jonnysun: wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints "thats when i carried u" wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean "i tried to drown u"