due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
You Might Also Like
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
At least he brought enough for everyone
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”