[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm