DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing