[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
That’s not how days work.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.