[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Beware…..
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen