@ElleOhHell: "Dumb as a bag of hammers" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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@TheSweetestD_: The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn't make you wait an hour.
@beardofprey: last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house :D
@jeffswarens: If you stare at a 6 year old when they're eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.
@primawesome: A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What's the rest of her day like?