“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Not messing around
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Extremely relatable.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?