@ElleOhHell: "Dumb as a bag of hammers" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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@MarfSalvador: Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you? Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
@onelongbender: Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
@Chumpstring: KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.