“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
first you must answer his riddles
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭