[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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There are no pants in heaven.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Who chose this font
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Does your wife know you’re single?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable