What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?