I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.