My dog ate my work from home.
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: