Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
You Might Also Like
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Feel. He’s so soft.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.