India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
HELP 😭