*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
What do you hear?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.