Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I created you as mosquito food.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.