dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Tuesday
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”