dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My biological clock is wheezing.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.