Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
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If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
A small tragedy.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal