ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
May never get over this
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.