[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun