*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
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Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Nose
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’