FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If I ignore life will it go away?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.