[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Storm Tropical Storm
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
same vibe as tangled headphones
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’