[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
You Might Also Like
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
incredible book dedication
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”