[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
yeah 😭
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
do u think theres a butter planet?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”