I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen