During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress