@loribuckmajor: During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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@KalvinMacleod: [school] TEACHER: how was your summer? STUDENT: great, I grew a foot TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
@shesananteater: I need to get a car wash but my dogs' nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I'm gonna let that play out first.
@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@mydmac: I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It's only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.