During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I think this should do it.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.