During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down